Who says there is nothing new in the world? Well, maybe it’s true, but we wouldn’t mind seeing a few new hockey gadgets and gear for the hockey enthusiast.
* Grow Your Own Ringer
Need a scoring machine or defensive automaton? Grow Your Own!
Scenario: Your team has just got into the playoffs and whole lot of hopes and dreams are riding on this big finals game… Especially the hopes and dreams of your goaltender Joey, whose girlfriend will probably leave him if he can’t beat the 2nd best team in the league.
But that’s not gonna happen, because you just lost your best guys. Chris is taking his yearly fishing vacation to Minneapolis, Brent’s mother-in-law brought their entire extended family out for the weekend and expects to be entertained, and that prissy cousin of Nate’s got herself another flu bug. Who’s gonna put up the scoring numbers your team’s gonna need to challenge last years champs?
You dig frantically for your little black recreational hockey book, looking for someone who can help. Every call you make goes to voice-mail, and you have only 72 hours until the big game!
With one last desperate plan, you call your cousin Bruce to see if he can score you some ringers, but it’s just too late… You’re never gonna entice Jason Lanemann to play with your rag-tag band and Bobby Sirkis is still gallivanting throughout Europe, so that’s it. Your done pal. The boys ain’t gonna lift that Kup and Joey’s girl is gonna dump him again.
No wait! You completely forgot your weekend Beer League Survival Kit just happens to contain a vacuum sealed ‘Grow Your Own Ringer’! OMG OMG OMG! You hastily tear open the package and glance over the instructions. Maybe you should have gotten two?
Don’t stop reading now! We’ve got more!!
* Detachable Hockey Bag / Side Car
Your Hockey Bag Sidecar can even fit a in friend
The latest crisis’s like global warming, carbon emissions, global cooling, pregnant teens, artificial mothers milk, black holes created in giant particle accelerators, helmet hair and a plethora of other concerns always gets me thinking about how I can get Federal funding to, um, ‘fix’ the problems.
In the past, I have made attempts save on fuel costs and to keep those pesky free-ranging carbon atoms from blending with cow flatulence to create more world catastrophes. I tried (and failed) at dragging my wheeled hockey bag behind my fuel efficient Kawasaki Vulcan, but ended up losing a good deal of equipment somewhere between HWY 10 and Industrial Blvd… The Environmental Protection Agency is still investigating that bit of stinky nastiness.
I considered simply leaving my gear at the rink between games, but thought of losing even more of my totally awesome gear to theft or E.P.A. cleanup procedures became unbearable. And if someone stole my lucky fuzzy gloves?!
Well, it’s time someone invents a hockey-bag/side-car!
Imagine, if you will, the happy recreational player enjoying a refreshing ride after a game, their hockey bag securely fastened to their motorcycle. Heck, there might even be enough room enough for your Anosmiaic friends to ride along if you pack your bag well enough!
I could probably secure Federal funding for research into this fuel-saving idea! They give away millions for worse ideas than this!
* Gravitic Pulse-Wave Neutron Bonded NetMinder Combat Suit
Gravemetric Pulse-wave Neutron Bonded NetMinder Combat Suit
Goalie Stick: Telescopic insta-deploy system with neutron-bonded flex shaft; Gravitic pulse-wave in the stick blade is powered through new ‘free-energy‘ system. Shaft core composed of carbon nanotubes.
Helmet: Developed upon the mobile (lite version) of the Cyberdyne Systems “Threat Intensive Targeting, Tracking, AnalYsiS” (TIT2Ays) project (and accompanying private sector funding), this helmet provides situational awareness H.U.D., A.I. (Artificial Intelligence) assisted laser range-finder and A.I. based threat reduction dictionary, After-game strategic peer review via D.V.R. transmission array, and real-time AWAC secure communication data portals for live power and hull integrity monitoring.
What you put in this helmet is your problem. We’ve taken care of the rest.
Pads: Gravitic Pulse-Wave reactive electro-armor combined with Neutron-Bonded carbon stitching to provide the strength to resist even particle projection countermeasures and mass-driver assisted slap-shots. ‘Nuff said.
The athletic supporter is going to be delayed during the first production run due to there being no actual hockey players involved in the development of this system. Sorry ’bout that. I think our scientists have learned a very valuable lesson. Again, our apologies.
Pluses: State of the bad-ass art! Also, all chicks dig a man whose suit is mostly made of Buckyballs.
Minuses: For the macho loner net-minder, it’s just not cool having a suit made with anything ‘balls’ related. And don’t get me started on cleaning issues. What goalie ever washed his gear anyway?
* Heelies(tm) for ice
Dude… I could be rich, Federal funding or not!
Just forget I mentioned them.
* Hockey Pants with Airbags
It’s a known fact: 98.9725% of n00bs are gonna get a bruised bum. That’s hockey (and skating). But what would you give if I could guarantee an unblemished backside with a very excellent product on the Hockey Shopping Network(c) like the ‘AIRPANTS(c)’?
Think hockey pants with air bags on the backside for those who haven’t quite mastered skating. The patented airbag deployment system (as seen being used by NASA for the Mars rover landings) secures a couple of your greatest… assets.
Yes... It's a faux fur hockey glove. Beaver pelt would be better though.
Hockey inventions we think diminish the sport and our collective I.Q.’s
* The Fur Glove - Who the heck (besides me) would want gloves that look and smell like roadkill?
Do you have any ideas you want to see described and graphically represented here? Leave your ideas in the comments section!
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